My Sir. His Babygirl.

I'm realising as I try to articulate this journey in blogland that I can't really share where we're going, until I first share where we've been.  There's been a lot of growing pains in our journey and I hope to weave those together eventually. But, so much of what happens in our dynamic today is a direct result of a specific mind-shift that happened just this past fall.

I think I need to start there first.

By this time in our story we had been practising ttwd for about 5 1/2 years. But as with anything practised over long periods of time, we were stuck in a rut. It felt like our lifestyle was becoming more of burden than a journey.  All of a sudden the spankings didn't mean anything to me.  They were just that -- spankings.  It was a process we got through because we had to. I broke a rule. He spanked. End of story.  Where was the depth?

I was totally confused.

This is what I wanted.  This is what I had begged Matt for.  He was fulfilling my long-lost desire an…

Acronym Soup!

I remember the feeling of relief and encouragement when Matt and I first found our way into this corner of blogland. We had hit a rough patch this past summer. We weren't ready to throw in the towel, but we were ready to pick up a fresh one. So, this corner of blogland became our textbook.  And as is usually the case with any good textbook, there were terms we didn't know.

Acronyms to be exact. Lots of acronyms.

We didn't know any of them!  It became a game in our house....Guess the Acronyms.

As we both combed through blogs, the first one to find the acronym would tell the other and we'd have to try to figure it out ourselves without reading the post.  There were even times when after reading a post we still weren't clear on an acronym.  I found myself Googling things like...

"In the spanking world was does TTWD mean?"

"What's the difference between DD, LDD, CDD and CoDD?"

"How do I know which DD I am???"

Yes, it was kind of sad and h…

This thing called leaning in...

I will never forget my aha moment when I first realised the true meaing of the phrase "leaning in." It was just this past fall that I discovered the ttwd blogland, and it was a new term for me that I was reading often across several of your blogs.

Would you like a chuckle at my expense?  I didn't realise how naive I was then, but this is what I pictured....

Awe.....aren't they adorable??  See how she's leaningin for a cuddle.  They're so cute. So in love. So happy.

And those of you who've been at this ttwd lifestyle for while are probably shaking your heads knowing all too well that I was in for a rude awakening.  And you'd be right. When I first began reading your blogs I kept assuring my husband that we had this leaning in thingy down pat. This was the part I most enjoyed about this dynamic. Leaning in seemed easy.

I didn't have a clue!

Did you know that to lean in on something I actually have to position myself off balance? I purposely shift my…

Consistency: The Disclaimer

So I'm thinking I may need to clarify my last post Good Intentions. Bad Decision.  I think I may have given the impression that Matt lacked understanding in my intentions and thus sealing my fate unnecessarily.

Well ---- you see, there is something that I didn't explain in the last post, as I didn't think it really added to the story.  However, in hindsight, not including it did inadvertently leave something important out of the story.
My need for consistency.
In my last post I shared this screenshot of his text:

On the surface it does look as though Matt disregarded my heart in exchange for a paddling, when a good scolding would have sufficed. But let me back our story up a bit for a clearer focus. We're not going back very far -- just about 2 weeks before Christmas.
The closer we were to the holidays, the more emotional and unhinged I was getting. There was a plethora of pressure points coming at me from several different directions and I wasn't handling any of t…

Good Intentions. Dumb Decision.

I told you that it's been a doozy of a week....a couple weeks actually. (I'm still wondering why I chose to begin blogging during what is historically the hardest time of the year for me.)   My kids returned to school today and I'm so ready to get back to some semblance of structure and routine...even in the craziness of our everyday life.

But today, the first day in, I broke a rule.  I honestly didn't mean to. My intentions were good, but my submission was sorely lacking. As specific rules go, we never really had many. I get in more trouble for bulldozering and snatching control than I ever do for breaking specific rules.  If he feels I'm stepping (read "bulldozering") ahead then over I go - dusted and adjusted. 
Through our journey from DD-only to more D/s this past fall (that's for another post), he's added some rules to our list. These rules are subtle reminders that he's got me and he's in control. I love them. It was just what I need…

"Your ass belongs to me."

Hearing this simple sentence always makes me smile for two reasons.

First, it's the only "dirty word" that has dared to escape my husband's lips -- Ever. I literally married a saint....who married a sailor.  Well, I used to have the mouth of a sailor.  (Matt took care of that in the first few weeks of ttwd. It was our first rule.)

But it was only just a few months ago while lying in bed, tucked in and ready to sleep he told me to roll over on my stomach. Racking my brain to remember what I had one, I asked why.

"Just obey."

He gave my a long rub, ended with a strong squeeze and simply whispered for the first time "Your ass belongs to me."  I just turned my head and stared at him. His first naughty word.  I had to smile. My man had a mouth on him. My saint turned sinner. :)

Secondly, when I hear those words I know it's his way of saying "You belong to me. I've got you."  That night was the first time he verbalised ownership of me.…

When given a choice...

I'll take the spanking every. single. time.

That's how I know in my heart that ttwd lifestyle is for me.  Even when I want to quit, even when I'm not feeling all that thrilled about listening and letting him lead.  I know that I know this is me because when push comes to shove - I want this. I need this.  There have been days along this journey that I've wanted to throw in the towel.  No, there are days when I've wanted to take the stupid towel, burn it and toss its ashes to the wind.  Today was one of those days.

(And can I just interrupt myself here and say as a new blogger --  It's a lot easier to share about a spanking that happened years ago, than one I'm still feeling the effects from.  This is harder than I thought.  But I'm processing...and I process best by typing, so here it goes....)

Today I lost it.

It wasn't a bad day. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  My emotions were running high and my common sense was running low. …