Consistency: The Disclaimer
So I'm thinking I may need to clarify my last post Good Intentions. Bad Decision. I think I may have given the impression that Matt lacked understanding in my intentions and thus sealing my fate unnecessarily.
Well ---- you see, there is something that I didn't explain in the last post, as I didn't think it really added to the story. However, in hindsight, not including it did inadvertently leave something important out of the story.
My need for consistency.
In my last post I shared this screenshot of his text:
On the surface it does look as though Matt disregarded my heart in exchange for a paddling, when a good scolding would have sufficed. But let me back our story up a bit for a clearer focus. We're not going back very far -- just about 2 weeks before Christmas.
The closer we were to the holidays, the more emotional and unhinged I was getting. There was a plethora of pressure points coming at me from several different directions and I wasn't handling any of them very well. Matt kept assuring that he loved me. He would hold me and remind me to breathe and take one stressor at a time.
But I was unraveling. Some of the situations angered me and as the days went on my interactions became laced with sarcasm and subtle disrespect. He had asked several times what he could do to relieve the stress. Though my mind wanted to shout "Spank me you big softie!" my lips would resort to "I'm fine. I'm sorry. Just tired." He'd give me a hug, tell me I was going to make it and then help me with the laundry, or the dishes, or the number of household chores that had suffered during the many mini-crises we were trying to get through.
He is the epitome of grace and patience and yet I was doubting his love......again. (We have these exact arguments every few months it seems. I am continually working on my submission and he's continually working on consistency.) In my heart I knew he loved me, but I need to feel it. (pun most definitely intended.)
Then one day it all came to a head. On this certain day I probably earned about 10 spankings - but didn't get any of them. I felt forgotten. I felt empty and alone. And I told him so in no uncertain terms complete with colourful language and a few other broken rules. Then I questioned him angrily as to why he wouldn't just deal with me; why he wouldn't just snatch me up here and now and give me the spanking I deserved. I didn't need his kindness, I needed his hairbrush.
Long story short, it wasn't until the next day that it finally clicked with him. In the middle of my exasperated attempt to shut him down, he stood up and started clearing off the kitchen table. He moved my glasses and I quipped that I needed them.
"You won't need them for the next 10 minutes." And he was right as over the table I went.
Since that time, Matt has upped his game. He's not just been assuring me that he's holding me tight -- he really really is. And I am truly much better for it and so is he.
So yesterday when I received his text - I was mad at myself, but not at him. He was doing exactly what I had asked of him so many times before -- "Hold the line and don't make excuses for me. "
And he did. I bent. He paddled. We made up and then some. :) :)