Blog-Fog & Fear

Yesterday marked one month -- One month since I took the plunge and began My Heart. His Hand.  It's been one of the scariest things I've done since first placing myself across Matt's lap.  I cannot tell you the number of times I've sat here typing away, pouring my thoughts on paper, then in a sudden wave of panic I've shut the laptop, swearing to never open it again.  The vulnerability has never felt so real than when sharing it with others. This intimacy, the emotions that are woven with the trust and humility required for this dynamic, until this past January, had only been known to the two of us -- Matt and me.

Windy calls it blog-fog and I cannot think of a better description. My mind has been in a haze of emotions and running on a treadmill of second-guessing ever since I typed that first post.  In light of the knowledge that real people like yourself, -- people I have never met, but yet share this common bond -- are, in reality, getting inside my head with every word I type.  It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped into one.

It's also a responsibility.

I'm responsible to tell the truth; to be as authentic as possible behind the veil of anonymity. To write and to read.  To ask questions and to learn from others who have gone before.  To share my own struggles and victories, the highs and the lows, for those coming up behind me.

Just this past week I wrote the post The Unforgiving Submissive.  It was hard to write.  It was hard to admit. It was even harder to press the publish button.  I felt like a hypocrite.  Can I be painfully honest (pun not intended)? This blogging has made me take a long hard look at myself and what I see, I do not like.  I have been forced to analyse my life, my choices, my mindset and most importantly my submission.  It's been hard seeing my own life unfold on a post.




Last night the weight of it all came crashing down. I was due a spanking for stupidity on my part. I knew it was coming. The teens were finally in bed and Matt came to me quietly and told me it was time. I followed him to the living room already in tears. I put myself over his lap, humbled and bare, as he reminded me why I was there. Out came the hairbrush, his implement of choice. It wasn't a long spanking, but it was definitely the discipline type. There was no fun or sexy to it.

I crawled off of his knee and instead of burying myself into his lap for a good cry, I instead grabbed a pillow.

"I can't do this. I can't do this." I wept into the pillow as Matt stroked my hair.

"You can't do what?"

"Blog."

I even surprised myself. It just came out.

"I can't blog about a lifestyle that I'm terrible at. I can't be real with you if I can only think about how this would translate to a blog post.  And I can't live this lifestyle if I'm always analysing everything that happens through the eyes of a blogger and not through me - the eyes of your wife.  I'm scared. I'm scared I'm losing the real me to a new blogger-me. I can't be this person. I don't know what I'm doing. It's all changed now."  (So, this isn't word for word I'm sure, but that's the best that Matt could remember.)

At that moment last night I wanted to quit. 

Thankfully, Matt saw this for what it was, an exhausted wife whose bent for perfection can sometimes play with her mind, and helped me get some perspective.

Truth is. I don't want to quit.  I want to get this right. I don't want to blog just for the heck of hearing myself type --  I have an online journal for that.  I don't want to blog because I have a wildly awesome story to tell -- In reality, our life here is pretty quiet, with the exception of a loud implement from time to time.  I don't want to blog simply to make friends for myself.  I want to blog to be a friend -- to be what so many of you have been to me.  I want to blog with a purpose.  

But...

I'm new at this - So this is my question - How?
  • How do I keep from taking every ttwd moment from this day forward and running it through a blogging analyser?  
  • How do I hold on to authenticity in real life, when in the back of my head I know this will end up on a blog post at some point?
  • How do I separate blogger me from ttwd-wife me?  Or maybe I shouldn't.  Maybe they too need to learn to move together in harmony.....but how? 
Now that I'm reading that list, I think it's really the same question being asked 3 different ways.  "How do I blog about a lifestyle, without the blogging itself changing the lifestyle?" 

So....this wasn't the post I had in mind for my one-month in. Sorry about that! Just a lot of thinking and thinking some more.  (I need that graphic of Winnie-the-Pooh. "Think. Think. Think.")

So, if I haven't chased all of you away with my processing, can I just say....thanks. This month has introduced me to some great people.  You all have been so welcoming and helpful.  Thank you and thank you again.  I hope that one day I can be half the encouragement to you all, as you have been to me! 

~~ A truly appreciative (and rambling) Shell. 

Comments

  1. " "How do I blog about a lifestyle, without the blogging itself changing the lifestyle?" " you don't. My blog, my experiences in blog land both good and bad all became an integral part of my adventure as a ttwd wife. From that I discovered so much about myself, who I was versus who I thought I was, versus who I thought I thought other people thought I was...LOL.

    Blogging can become surreal though. Years ago I couldn't let go of a post until I wrote it and pressed publish. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred I thought it was horrible, or I was, or no one could relate. But I also knew that if I didn't get it out of my head, as it was part of my process, it would drive me ( further) insane

    I do understand your fear though, as one time ( and only one thank goodness) years ago I was thinking to myself and I referred to myself as Willie. I was horrified! But then I examined it for what it was. The name willie/wilma is a made up name, but my life, my experiences, my friendships on my and from my blog were authentic. I had used my blog to retell my experiences but not did not live my life in a way I could blog about (trust me it would have been much more exciting, and sexy and I'd be taller). Did my blogging affect my every day life? Perhaps altering my line of thinking as I didn't want to be a hypocrite offering advice I couldn't follow. But generally speaking I told it like it was, warts and all ( and yes that is difficult- especially after years of blogging to admit we still stumbled in areas we did). I truly believe that if a blogger doesn't set them self up for maintaining a certain persona, and continues to write about the real, and not so pretty stuff, your authentic self not only stays in tact, but it grows.

    I for one find it very refreshing when I read about the struggle. Not that I don't want to read about the good, but life is a struggle regardless of the dynamic you live in. A blogger's triumph is far greater for me when I have read how hard they fought to get there!

    As for people wanting their blog to have a purpose, my unsolicited advice is have it be a purpose for you, and you alone, and you will never stray from your authentic self. Everything else will fall into place if your blog serves a purpose for you/Matt.

    So write when you can, what you can, and figure out why you can't at times. Don't force yourself so that you can have a post. Blogland doesn't go anywhere. I sometimes get a notification from a blogger who hasn't felt like writing in over a year. S/he is always welcomed back with open arms.

    Best of luck to you and your blog

    willie

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    1. Thanks so much Willie. What a huge encouragement from someone who's been there. That means a lot.

      This --- "From that I discovered so much about myself, who I was versus who I thought I was, versus who I thought I thought other people thought I was..."

      Exactly. Sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow. :) It is one of my goals -- to be real. To keep my authentic self intact.

      Thanks for the advice. You've given me much to think about.

      Always learning,
      shell

      Ps. Do you still blog?

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    2. Well thinking is good! LOL. Who knows, you might discover your authentic self is a little different than you first thought? I know I did. LOL.

      I started my blog in 2012 and ended it some time last year. I was a little different than most ( or at the very least you) as I started my blog before I even mentioned ttwd to B. From prior Dd to Dd to full on D/s (for lack of a better term) and all spots in between. was a lot of writing. After a while I discovered the stumbles are pretty much the same for us, just the situations surrounding them that differed. I was never one for talking much about spanking ( past the first exciting year of Dd when B first got on board) not because it was too private, it just wasn't the purpose for my blog for me ( no judgment for those who like to share it though). For me I needed to share to process, gain different perspectives and of course think! lol. I certainly wasn't out to change the world or be a mentor ( you know the old saying, " Don't follow me I'm lost too"?) so I decided it was time to stop. Though I do miss the ability to write that I once had. Now I just spent my time offering unsolicited advice, often in the form of off the wall compared to most comments. LOL.

      So, I'll probably be back! lol

      willie

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  2. Hey Shell,

    I would offer some advise but I dont have any. I don't blog(I am not a writer) and the Sheriff and I are just staring our journey, he doesn't spank me, but man he can lecture me to the point of tears.

    Here is the thing, for me, reading about the struggle of real people living the lifestyle makes me feel like we will get there one day. And maybe I will become a blogger because of something you said, or wrote about.

    So thanks for putting the struggle out there for us to learn from.

    Boo

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    1. Thanks Boo -- Don't give up hope. It took me 13 years. And now -- even 6 years in, we're still learning and failing ....and learning some more. It's the Neverending Story.... (now I have that song in your head, yes?) LOL

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  3. Hey, Shell … ya gotta cut yourself some slack, kiddo … do a check on my blog ... in particular, April of last year … you will see there are only 3 posts for that month and one of those was a quickie fun photo meme. Two months into blogging I hit a wall as well. I had some of the same concerns … I didn’t want to somehow causing ttwd events so I could blog about them - 'would this work as a post' was a constant thought. I was blogging while driving, blogging while walking .. lol! I also felt a bit out in left field, not so sure that I belonged. Consequently, I talked to Frank about throwing in the blogging towel. However, he in his wisdom, encouraged me to hang in there. He said belonging to a community of like minded folks would help both of us. I eventually got my head back in the game and have been here ever since.

    It also was a help for me, when Windy came on board not long after. We connected as the newbies in this world and were able to provide support for one another going forward, given we were having some of the same experiences.

    Hang in there … one day it will be you, encouraging a new blogger with your experience and support … hugs! … nj

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    1. Thanks NJ. That's my fear exactly -- knowing that I blog and then somehow altering my life to accommodate the blogging. I wouldn't do it on purpose, but I find myself thinking that way sometimes.

      And Matt did the same thing, and I was glad. Right now, he doesn't want me to quit either. He said that he can tell a difference in me since stepping into blogland. Writing has always helped me, but having this community - Wow. I can't explain it. It's a huge jump for me -- in the right direction.

      Thanks for the encouragement. Maybe like you two, I just need to find another newbie to pester.....or I could just keep pestering all of you. LOL Just kidding.

      Hugs,
      shell

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  4. Shell,
    I didn't read the other comments because I want to be pure in what I want to say to you and not influenced by what others may or may not have said. I'll read them after I post this comment!

    My answer is that it takes a long time to learn to separate what is going on in your home, head, and over your bed from ttwd land and your blogger friends. I've been in the MIDDLE of a spanking and thought, "Oh, what he just did there was a smooth move. That's going on the blog!" So part of my answer is just to laugh at yourself. I've also thought, "My mind is so not here in the moment during this spanking, I don't feel submissive in the least....... GAH! " Aaaaand..... "If the gals knew what I just said or did here in my home with Storm, they would be really disappointed in me." And the answer is that no we would not. We mess up all the time. We're strong and opinionated ladies...... we just like the kink of spanking....... and then we want some help solving fights between us and our husbands and a different kind of spanking gets us back on track or helps us feel calmer.

    Second thing is that you can be authentic here, true to yourself, and not feel like you have to share everything that happens in your ttwd life or your marriage. You just don't. None of us expect that. You are being way too hard on yourself.

    The blog fog, which I think Amy taught me, takes months to settle down. Give yourself some more time. Be glad that you have a ton of stuff that you could possibly blog about right now because a year from now, you may be like, "well, I talked about that subject already, so I don't want to do that again......"

    Finally, I promise you that you are a normal ttwd wife and blogger. We aren't looking for flaws in you .... everybody here wants you to feel more at ease than you do......... just write, Shell. And live. And just let it all intersect where it wants to right now. Practicing ttwd and blogging about it is not a liner experience. You will be all over the place emotionally.......... it's normal. Hugs, Windy

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    1. Thanks Windy --- I'm so ready for the fog to clear! And yes! I've done that too-- Poor Matt - he's lecturing me on something and all I can think of is.....where's a pen I need to write this down!?! :) :)

      Thanks for the encouragement. I realise I'm the newbie and it think it's just newbie jitters. I've been reading most of your blogs quietly for months.....soaking it all in. I have a high respect for you all. I am here now and I want to be real -- I just don't know if I always like how my reality looks on paper. I'm ornery than I thought! LOL

      Hugs back at you,
      shell

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  5. Shell,
    It seems I am looking at this differently than the bloggers who have commented below, but maybe you can relate.

    I always compared my first months of blogging with becoming a new mother. I had just delivered a baby, and it needed constant care. Every minute of the day somehow dealt with nurturing it and it was scary in some ways. I also thought, "What happened to the old me? The free and easy person that didn't have this small but demanding blog baby to take care of?"

    But just like motherhood becomes a part of who you are, so does blogging. The baby grows up little by little, and you become comfortable with it. After all, when life gets in the way, you may have to put it aside for a while. Let it nap while you take care of other things. You learn to appreciate and love your blog for the wonderful insights it brings to you and the people you come to know. It should never control you. Like every good mom, you need to remain in charge. I love that you used the word "authentic." Stay trued to who you are.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. Wow Ella -- that is a beautiful picture and SO accurate. Thanks for the advice. I think I may be smothering my "baby" just a bit -- even more than I did my real children! Geeze!

      Thanks. I think you're right. I let my head get away with my heart sometimes. A nap may be in order. :)

      Hugs,
      shell

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  6. I'm always looking for things to write. So if you don't mind I'll give my answer to your questions/question in a post of my own. This will be from a very old-timer to a new blogger.

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    1. Awe PK. Yes. I would love that very much - thank you. I never want to stop learning from those who have gone before. And I know you have a lot to give. I'll be looking out for it.

      Hugs,
      Shell

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  7. As with anything in life I found that if you listen, really listen to your heart, not your fears, the fog always lifts

    ;) Evelyn

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    1. Thanks Evelyn. That is a hope to hold on to. Thanks for stopping by. I just clicked on your profile -- I'm looking forward to getting to know you and following your journey as well. Thanks again -- shell

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  8. Shell,

    Good grief.............. you expect way too much. Relax and let the blog evolve teaching, reflecting, commiserating and even enjoying. Here is a goal........ make your next post light, funny, perhaps from a long time ago. Humor us, your readers. We, your faithful readers, love you. You put too much pressure on perfection. Relax and enjoy your blog journey! We are!

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    1. LOL Meredith -- In my defense, you did know I was a worry wart from the beginning. :) They don't call me shell for nothing. LOL!

      Hugs,
      Shell

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  9. Hi Shell,

    Sorry I am late in commenting. You have some great comments above. I remember being in the middle of a spanking or conversation about ttwd and thinking "this has got to go on the blog". I think most of us go through this early on and feel pressure to post. These feelings do ease.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz - you've given me hope. Matt mentioned the other day that maybe he's not spanking hard enough -- if my thoughts are elsewhere during a trip over his knee! YIKES! I have to remember he reads these posts sometimes! :) :) LOL

      Hugs -- shell

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  10. Hello, Shell. Found your blog. :) Took a few days, we got crazy busy. I see you have a lot of comments, I hope you don't mind if I don't read them before replying, and so may repeat what they say. I just want to share what works for me before reading the rest.

    I struggled with this very issue early on, but somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking about the blog while we lived out life. Our marriage was for us. I needed to be in the moment in our marriage, and not the next few hours when I shared it with the world. I needed to be thinking only of the Duke, and not how everyone else would think about what we were doing. So, I don't think about blogging at all while we're doing something. Now, sometimes, the second it's over I feel the need to get it all out to share, but not before. It doesn't even cross my mind now because I've worked on focusing on the Duke, and now it comes easier. Yes, share with us what you are going through, let us be a friend and listen to you, and you listen to us, and back and forth. But never let it steal from the moments you're living life with Matt. :) Just live those moments, fully focused on him and you both, and then share with us afterwards. :) The failures, the blessings, the high moments, and lows. :) The moments you want to shout your love from the mountain tops, and the moments you want to crawl under a blanket and whisper your love because you feel you've disappointed him.

    And please remember, all of us here in blogland, we're not here to judge you. Heck, the things you could throw back at us if you read our blogs, the tally would be horrible, and we'd never end the fight. We're here to support and love on each other. We know we all have horrible days. We have days where we look back and wonder what in the heck was wrong with us. We have months where submission is missing and we're searching like mad to see which nook or cranny in our house it fell into. We all struggle, we all feel we've failed, we all want to hide things and wonder if we should share them or not. {{{HUGS}}}

    Not sure all of this makes sense, writing with a migraine, but just... this landed close to my heart, and I could feel your pain, I've been there, and wanted to offer what helped me.

    Hugs, EsMay

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  11. Thanks Esmay. Yes, it made a lot of sense. Thank you. I appreciate your comment and the advice. I've had a lot to think about and I think I'm ready to get back up and try again. I just needed a few days to refocus and regroup. Thanks.

    Hugs -- shell

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  12. Well this is your first post I read, a lot of my fellow bloggers have pointed towards this post/blog as a reason for their own post. You make some really good points. I use to wonder the same thing. Everything that we did, DD wise, seemed to be on my blog. Sharing about yourself is a way to make friends that are in the lifestyle. But I learned that you can also share about other parts of your life and blogging will be fun not a chore. I am looking forward to reading more about you and hope that you enjoy your journey here in blogland.

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    1. Thanks so much Blondie for stopping by. I love meeting new bloggers. And thanks for the advice. I really do need to branch out -- I promise, there is more to me that simply a sore bum. :) :) LOL Thanks again. I'm looking forward to heading over to your way and getting to know you as well. -- shell

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